I’m not a fan of the New Year’s Resolution ritual. I find it unsavory practice to form intentions on cue as if it were as unquestionable a necessity as drinking water. I admit I have an exaggerated distaste for a potentially positive practice. But my experience with resolutions repeatedly demonstrates a set-up for failure. Thus, I avoid dispapointment by shunning the practice.
Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in goal setting and personal reflection. I just dont like feeling pressured by it at the start of a new year. I much prefer the idea of forming a manifesto – a declaration of beliefs and motives. Manifestos are juicy. Simple, yet decadent. Full of guts. A manifesto is timeless. It travels with you, co-existing with a change in goals. Because manifestos reflect the core of a person, they tend not to waver.
Manifestos can act as a guidepost. True North. They remind you of who you are and what you believe. When you step off track, as we all do, a manifesto can set you straight. If developed thoughtfully, a manifesto helps you answer the elusive question ‘Who am I?’ independent of ‘What do I do?’ or ‘What do I want?’
Knowing who you are is a basic building block of self-esteem. We cannot assess our own value, our self-worth, if we don’t know what makes us, us. Can a jeweler appraise a diamond’s value without looking at it under a scope?
Let the making of your manifesto be a work in progress. Let it evolve. Form a draft and sit with it a while. Take time to decide if it fits. Whittle it down until it is a bare-bones representation of your uncompromising truth. When the New Year rolls around, you won’t need new resolutions. You’ll only need to recommit to your manifesto and the motivation for growth will follow.
Here are some questions to help you and your tween understand what makes you tick:
- What’s your idea about how the world works?
- What beliefs keep resurfacing?
- What do you hear yourself repeating in conversation?
- What do you wish you could change?
- What belief or action do you aspire to?
- Who do you emulate and what is their core belief?
If the Tooth Fairy hadn’t fallen asleep before doing her job, a certain 10 year old might have continued to believe in fairies, Santa, and a candy-delivering bunny. As it were, the whole lot was exposed at once. The tragic reveal went something like this:A fellow mom and I commiserated while volunteering at a school event. Her daughter had just ‘asked’ for a ride in the way a teenager can – with an air of entitlement and self-centerdness. My friend lamented to me, “All I need is a little gratitude and I’m good for the next six hours. Would a ‘thank you’ be too much to ask?”
Parents would admit that they don’t do what they do to earn appreciation from their children. Nonetheless it is easier to jump through hoops when gratitude is the reward. Appreciation is like fuel for the giving machine. And unlike real fuel, appreciation is free! It costs nothing to say thank you. So why don’t we do more of it?
It’s easy to become desensitized to the gifts we receive, especially if they appear repeatedly. When acts of kindness and love become expectations, appreciation fades away. Gratitude naturally raises our vibrational energy. We feel better – more content, more abundant, more generous – when we employ gratitude. And our actions follow suit.
I politely turned a deaf ear to my friend’s parenting session. But I did catch her concluding remark as her daughter walked away. “There it is. A ‘thank you.’ Now I’m good for another six hours.”
Questions and Actions:
- How could you be more appreciative to those who help you?
- What/who do you take for granted that could use some attention?
- What is the smallest, most under-appreciated thing you could be grateful for?
- Have you said ‘thank you’ to a child lately?
“None of my friends are in my class. I’m going to be alone.”
“I don’t think I took the right classes to get into college (4 years from now.)
Like a tropical storm, the deluge of stressful thoughts made landfall as predicted in the first month of school. Having weathered this storm before, I had prepared for the worst – namely the flash floods of emotions.
Taking tips from trained rescue workers, I taped off my windows (eyes and ears) and sandbagged the house (locked myself in my room) to ride out the storm. Ok, not really, running for cover was just what I wanted to do.
Transitions such as the start of a new school year are stressful. According to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, even positive events like marriage and vacations can significantly impact our stress levels. Entering a new school year means that adjustments have to be made on multiple levels. Knowing this, though, does not necessarily prepare you to deal more effectively with the stress.
In my experience, the best way to deal with stress is to stay focused in the present. Think about it, is this moment right now stressful, or is it the worry about future and past moments that are stressful? A past event is kept alive by our minds repeating a script. ‘Can you believe she said that to me?! I should have said……’
Likewise, future events are created by our thoughts. ‘What if……’ When our minds run in fast forward, we fear what may or may not happen and live it as if it is happening now.
To help a child deal with past grievances we can pull her into the present with statements like:
- What do you know now because of this event?
- What can you do now to rectify or make peace with the situation?
If nothing can be changed by words or deeds, focus on forgiveness and detachment from the circumstance. When we hold onto old regrets and grievances it’s like towing a huge suitcase behind us. A waste of energy that steals from today.
To help a child deal with worries about the future:
- Explain to her that only today is real. The future does not exist yet. Frequently we invent a future that is much more difficult than it turns out to be in reality.
- Remind her of her own strength with examples of times she has handled difficult situations with courage and wisdom. Those assets are hers and will serve her in dealing with any challenges that arise.
Lastly, a helpful practice is the formation of a Stress-Buster list. Help your child to compose a list of stress relieving strategies. Keep this list handy for access when needed. Here are some suggestions to get you started:
Stress Buster List for Kids
- Listen to loud music
- Dance
- Play, play, play
- Talk it out, cry it out, laugh it out
- Take a bath
- Look at baby photos or videos
I remember the day I felt grown up for the first time. I was 8 years old, spending the summer at a beach house. Older friends had decided to walk to the local ice cream store – one that I had never been to without my parents. I knew I wouldn’t be able to join the group, but asked for permission anyway – children never give up hope, do they? Shockingly, my mother said yes! And not in that begrudging ‘you’ve worn me out’ tone. “Sure,” she said, as easily as if I was asking permission to go to bed. Afraid that she might reconsider if given too much time, I grabbed the money she offered and dashed out the door.
In my mind, the ice cream shop was miles away. In my mind, I was not with several older tweens and teens who were watching after me. I was just one of the big kids without a parent. Turstworthy and responsible. Had my mother given me a run-down of safety rules and a list of warnings and what-ifs, I would have felt differently. Her unnecesssary repetition of a script I knew well would have sabotaged my self-esteem. Instead of trying to live up to the perceived trust she had in my maturity, I would have resented her condescension and adopted a careless bravado. In other words, a lack of confidence on her part would have made me act more carelessly.
I don’t remember much from my eight year on earth. But I clearly remember the very important day that I ‘finally’ grew up.
Questions and Actions:
- What leap of faith could you take that would boost a child’s self-esteem?
- How do you unwittingly sabotage your child’s self-esteem by unconsciously repeating patterns and choices filled with limitation?
- When was the first time you felt grown up? Have you thanked the person who trusted you?
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