Have you read the lastest article in the Boston Globe titled, “The Untouchable Mean Girls“?  It details a raw and painful account of a pervasive adolescent problem – bullying. 

As a tween self-esteem expert, I am asked repeatedly by parents for my opinion on the topic.  Parents stare at me, wide-eyed, like deer in the headlights paralyzed with fear and panic for their children.  Enraged by the behavior of young bullies, concerned parents virtually attack me, demanding a solution and a guarantee of safety for their children.  I wish I could devise a remedy.  But sadly, there is no easy solution to the centuries-old problem of bullying.

Social hierarchies – and the consequences of them – have existed as long as human beings have.  The chances of eliminating them are slim.  But there are time-tested recommendations that can help parents understand what does and doesn’t work in dealing with bullies.

Recommendations point away from direct parental involvement and toward the children themselves.  Like a coach on the sidelines, a parent oversees the game plan, equipping her players with stratgegies and moral support.  But it is the child who goes out on the field and plays the game.

As a teenager, I was not a victim of intense bullying, but a very close friend was.  I remember marching up to a ‘mean girl’ who was twice my size and giving her a piece of my infuriated, but naive, mind on behalf of my friend.  A gaggle of girls looked on in shocked horror – frozen and unmeddling.  It wasn’t until much later that I realized the potential danger my bravado could have caused.  Had I been less passionately defensive of my friend, I would have let fear swallow me up under the blanket of bullies.  As it turned out, my exhibition earned me a measure of respect.  More importantly, it earned a temporary reprieve from bullying for my friend.  Peer support is an excellent option in the prevention of bullying.  Safety in numbers.

Other popular recommendations for would-be victims:

• avoidance
• humor
• self-talk
• assertiveness
• help

If we can accept that it isn’t the role of an opposing parent to confront the bully, we see that our responsibility lies in supporting and strengthening the potential victim.  This is not to say that we should prepare our children like soldiers for a war.  Rather, we build a fortress, a shield,  so resilient that the enemy would think twice about starting a battle.  No self-preserving bully would start a fight she knew she couldn’t win.

What is this line of defense made of?  Self-esteem of course.  Consider some of the signs of high self-esteem:

• Demonstrates self-respect, self-confidence and self-awareness
• Willing to try new activities/take on challenges
• Accepts failure without discouragement
• Demonstrates assertiveness, resiliency, and a sense of belonging and purpose

It is clear that these qualitites do not describe a victim.  Bullies tend to target  peers who are isolated, have poor social skills, or appear sensitive or weak.  In contrast, children with high self-esteem are equipped with indispensable inner strength.  Their self-esteem bolsters their immunity to negative influence.  These children can move through life with a smaller threat of provocation.

As a self-esteem expert, this theory makes sense to me.  On the flip side, as a mother, I shudder with worry that I haven’t sufficiently prepared my children for the jungle of life.  The mother in me wants to scream, “where is the accountability from the bullies, their parents, their teachers?!”

And then I remind myself of one essential reality.  We can only be accountable for ourselves.  We cannot change the world;  we can only change ourselves and hope that the world will follow.  So I continue to work on strengthening the self-esteem of tweens and guiding their parents to do the same.

Last night my family and I arrived home from a long weekend away and were greeted by a disaster.  A water pipe had burst, destroying an entire section of the house.  Compared to the current devastation in Haiti from an earthquake, our losses are barely worth mentioning.  However, there are common lessons to be learned from any loss.

I was pleased that my daughter’s teacher spent time last week discussing the crisis in Haiti; and even more pleased that he didn’t organize a classroom relief effort.  Instead, the teacher simply stated the facts, facilitated a class discussion,and left it up to the students to consider their own moral responsibility.  When my 12 year old arrived home she updated us with a current events review (as if we had missed this worldwide news.)  “Did you hear,” she began.  And ended with, “What do we plan to do to help?”

Flash forward to the first hour at home last night.  We made our way through an indoor rainforest that had a ceiling on the floor, and set to work making emergency phone calls, assessing damage, unpacking, and tending to hungry, tired children.  Instead of complaining or ‘freaking out’ (as my tweens would say), my oldest daughter came to me and said the most beautiful four words on behalf of herself and her siblings, “How can we help?” 

This magical phrase stopped me in my tracks, filling me with love and pride and gratitude.  What better words could one hear in a crisis?  The words alone are help enough.  Knowing that one has support in a dark and overwhelming time makes all the difference.  As word of our loss spreads, we continue to receive offers of support from many directions.  Amidst the tangible loss, gratitude for all that we have echoes in my heart and mind. 

As we deal with this mess, I am acutely aware that my children are taking notes.  It is up to my husband and I to set the tone, modeling how mature people conduct themselves in a crisis.  We’ve taken a broad translation of the phrase, ‘Don’t cry over spilled milk.’  No lives were lost here.  Just stuff.   And stuff doesn’t earn tears. 

Still, we acknowledge the fact that any loss is unsettling for children.  The unforseen cuts into one’s sense of safety and stability (the primary building block of self-esteem).  Given time to air sadness, disappointment, doubts, and fears, our sense of stability returns.  With it comes the invaluable life experience that seems to be reserved for tragedy. 

Unforseen change and loss are guaranteed to reappear again and again.  If we’ve done our best to gain perspective each time, we suffer less each time.  We know from experience that we are capable of handling tough situations and also live to tell about it.  At some point, we may even handle loss with grace.  Whether we do or not, is up to us.  Whether we do or not, our children are watching and learning.

Try sharing my favorite phrase, “How can I help?” with your children.  Let them know how powerful it is.  It can be used in all situations – not just during crisis.  The last reminder to my children when they go off for sleepovers is to, “ask yourself and your hosts how you can help.”  These four words will serve your children well.  Help them to make it part of their script.

Too often, parents resort to outdated methods of discipline because they lack knowledge about the alternative and better choices.  Gone are the days when parents can feel justified in ’showing kids who’s the boss.’  Here is a good article from Aha! Parenting:  http://bit.ly/6K5xLJ

Last night I saw Avatar – one of the most expensive movies ever made.  I expected to be ‘wowed.’  And I was.  It’s hard not to be when you watch a 3D IMAX film.  But it wasn’t the drama and cinematography that impressed me the most.  It was the messages contained within.

Without going into a full movie review, I’ll tell you my favorite take-away: the Na’vi greeting.  Each time they meet, the Na’vi say “I see you” which of course means more than the literal translation.  On a deeper level it means ‘I see the essence of you.  I connect with you.’  What a wonderful way to say ‘hi!’

In a recent post I talked about the need in each human being to be seen, heard, and appreciated.  Everyone needs to know that their life has purpose and that they are not here by accident.  No one exists as a seat filler; though sometimes we feel as insignificant as a place holder.

What if we all, just for today, tried to see each other?  What if, by our sincere attention, we let someone know how valuable she is?    Instead of using trite questions and rote greetings we could look someone in the eye and say ‘hi’ in a way that conveyed our sincere interest in them.

I once heard someone described in this way:  “She’s a person who makes you feel so important – like she’s really interested in what you have to say.”  I’d like to be that kind of person.  Starting now.

I see you.  (Pass it on.)

A New Year. A time when people are pledging to be better, to be more, to improve somehow. I can’t help but think, (cynically), how many people will abandon their New Year’s Resolutions within a short time. Promises broken….again.

What is it that makes resolutions so difficult to honor? So fleeting? So opposite of resolute?   In my observation, many people set over-inflated intentions that lack structure.   When I teach the principles of goal setting to tweens and teens, I stress the importance of setting realistic expectations.  Dreaming ‘big’ is important, but lofty goals remain unattainable if we don’t stay grounded in reality.

There’s a big difference between a young person who says “I’m going to be rich someday, but I don’t know how” and one who says, “I plan to be a successful business owner after college by the time I’m 30.”  In the first example, we see only the dream.   In the second, we see a call to action, a plan – go to college, start a business, have a time frame.

Any goal can be outlined in 3 simple steps:

1. What  – what is my intention?
2. When – time frame for achieivng the goal.
3. How – action steps needed to reach the goal.

Setting goals is important.  Goals help us to reach into the future and pull ourselves toward our dreams.  Many young people fail to realize that goal setting continues for a lifetime.  You can help bridge that gap by sharing your own goals with your child and giving them some tips for success:

• Write your goals.  It helps to solidify them and give them more importance and seriousness. 
• Share goals with a trusted friend or family member.   Being accountable to another can help us persevere.  Having only ourselves to diappoint is often less motivating than the idea of losing credibility in the eyes of a friend. 
• Take time to recognize achievements, big or small.  Celebrating the accomplishment of one step toward a long term goal will renew our excitement.  We see that everything we’ve achieved has been the culmination of several small steps.

The more we accomplish our goals, the more capable and confident we feel.  In turn, we are willing to take on additional positive challenges.  And postivie risk-taking is a sign of healthy self-esteem.  So encourage your young ones to set goals, challenge themselves, and be accountable.  Work together on setting a family goal for the coming month or year.  Doing so will help your children begin a practice that will increase their chance for success.