Following a discussion about preteen stress, my 11-yr old daughter looked at her 5-year old sister and said, “I feel so bad that she’ll have to learn about grownup stuff some day.  She’s so oblivious and happy now.”  My tween was reflecting on her own recent transition to a broader awareness.

When girls enter tweenhood, it’s as if their eyes are dilated and suddenly they see much more than they can absorb.  Tweens today are part of an information age that exposes them to mature concepts at an early age.  But even with careful censoring of information, tweens become shockingly aware of the bigger world – thanks to their newly emerging self-consciousness.  They begin to see that the world has opinions of them; and they start to favor the judgment of others over their own self-assessment.   As a result, self-esteem can suffer a crushing blow.  According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, many girls suffer a crisis of confidence between the ages of 11 and 13.  This crisis follows them deep into their teen years as evidenced by reports that less than 1/3 of high school girls say they are happy with who they are. 

Fortunately, tweens are receptive to positive input.  Parents can take advantage of this receptivity to bolster a tween’s self-esteem.

1.    Promote a sense of belonging and value.  Involve your daughter in family plans.  Ask for her opinion and allow her to orchestrate the details of an event.

2.    Promote self-reliance and competence.  Provide ample developmentally appropriate responsibilities and choices.  Promote independent problem-solving and give advice only when asked.

3.    Be a positive role model.  Demonstrate respect by avoiding criticism of yourself and others.  Most importantly, take ownership for your own choices by apologizing when necessary.

It’s natural for adolescents to suffer a decline in self-approval as they enter tweenhood.   But it’s also possible for them to build self-esteem with careful guidance.  Tweens are resilient beings who can do more than survive the challenges of adolescence.  Parents can acknowledge the hardships of a preteen and simultaneously expect them to thrive.  Every child deserves to enjoy the benefits of high self-esteem.  Every child can feel lovable, capable, and valuable.