I remember feeling invisible; wishing someone would notice me.  It was as if I was locked inside myself and dying to break out so the world could see how amazing I was.  My repeated experience (or at least my memory of it) was one of quiet desperation.  I was either too reserved to speak up and grab for my brass ring, or too inept at communicating my desires and competencies.  In either case, I was left feeling slighted, disappointed, frustrated and even depressed.

We know that adolescents experience emotions more intensely and rapidly than adults.  But do we take time to appreciate the impact of emotions on a tween or teen’s existence?   The quest to be noticed can consume a young person.  Whether it’s pining over a boy or trying to be recognized by a teacher or parent, the need to be seen is a universal yearning.  Even introverts who try to hide from the limelight, long to be noticed and appreciated for something – anything.

I’ve polled tweens with the following question:  “What is one thing you wish someone would say to you?”  Their answers fall into a few predictable categories.  But the one underlying theme is the desire to be recognized as ‘the best’ at something – an instrument, a sport, attractiveness….Essentially, tweens are saying, be the best or be nothing.  The concern about this all or nothing mindset is the trail of unworthiness it leaves behind.  As the Dixie Chicks sing in Top of the World, “There’s a whole lot of singing that’s never gonna be heard….think I broke the wings off that little songbird.”  Young people need to be rescued from their own inflated expectations.

• Point out the fact that everyone has shortcomings – even those who appear to be perfect.  As my dear parents used to remind me, ‘there isn’t a person alive whose poop doesn’t stink.’  (Humor and crudeness work well with adolescents!)
• Notice your tweens and teens without judgment.  “I notice you changed your hair.”
• Make eye contact when talking to children.  Undivided attention helps them to know that what they say matters.
• Temper your inflated dreams and belief in their potential.  Stress and feelings of inadequacy can result from well-intentioned but poorly executed motivation.  Make it okay to be just okay.

Every tween and teen deserves to be seen, heard, and appreciated.  Again, the Dixie Chicks say it best, “grab hold of that little songbird; Take her for a ride to the top of the world right now.”