Last night my family and I arrived home from a long weekend away and were greeted by a disaster.  A water pipe had burst, destroying an entire section of the house.  Compared to the current devastation in Haiti from an earthquake, our losses are barely worth mentioning.  However, there are common lessons to be learned from any loss.

I was pleased that my daughter’s teacher spent time last week discussing the crisis in Haiti; and even more pleased that he didn’t organize a classroom relief effort.  Instead, the teacher simply stated the facts, facilitated a class discussion,and left it up to the students to consider their own moral responsibility.  When my 12 year old arrived home she updated us with a current events review (as if we had missed this worldwide news.)  “Did you hear,” she began.  And ended with, “What do we plan to do to help?”

Flash forward to the first hour at home last night.  We made our way through an indoor rainforest that had a ceiling on the floor, and set to work making emergency phone calls, assessing damage, unpacking, and tending to hungry, tired children.  Instead of complaining or ‘freaking out’ (as my tweens would say), my oldest daughter came to me and said the most beautiful four words on behalf of herself and her siblings, “How can we help?” 

This magical phrase stopped me in my tracks, filling me with love and pride and gratitude.  What better words could one hear in a crisis?  The words alone are help enough.  Knowing that one has support in a dark and overwhelming time makes all the difference.  As word of our loss spreads, we continue to receive offers of support from many directions.  Amidst the tangible loss, gratitude for all that we have echoes in my heart and mind. 

As we deal with this mess, I am acutely aware that my children are taking notes.  It is up to my husband and I to set the tone, modeling how mature people conduct themselves in a crisis.  We’ve taken a broad translation of the phrase, ‘Don’t cry over spilled milk.’  No lives were lost here.  Just stuff.   And stuff doesn’t earn tears. 

Still, we acknowledge the fact that any loss is unsettling for children.  The unforseen cuts into one’s sense of safety and stability (the primary building block of self-esteem).  Given time to air sadness, disappointment, doubts, and fears, our sense of stability returns.  With it comes the invaluable life experience that seems to be reserved for tragedy. 

Unforseen change and loss are guaranteed to reappear again and again.  If we’ve done our best to gain perspective each time, we suffer less each time.  We know from experience that we are capable of handling tough situations and also live to tell about it.  At some point, we may even handle loss with grace.  Whether we do or not, is up to us.  Whether we do or not, our children are watching and learning.

Try sharing my favorite phrase, “How can I help?” with your children.  Let them know how powerful it is.  It can be used in all situations – not just during crisis.  The last reminder to my children when they go off for sleepovers is to, “ask yourself and your hosts how you can help.”  These four words will serve your children well.  Help them to make it part of their script.