Do you yell at your kids?  This question was presented to me by a parent of 3 young children.  Had I not asked this same question multiple times as a young mother hoping for absolution, I may have been more reticent and less truthful in my answer.  My neck and jaw may have stiffened as an evasive ‘I try not to’ slid through clenched teeth.  Fearful of exposing my humanity, my fallibility as a parent, I would conceal the fact that yes, I have, um, well..yelled.  There, I said it.

In 12 years as a mother I’ve raised my voice more times than I’d like to admit; and admonished myself for it more times than necessary.  Despite the fact that I consider yelling to be a weak and ineffective means of communication, I do occasionally fall short in controlling my voice.  However, after many years of very serious attempts at keeping my words in check, I’m happy to report that I’ve made some peace with the whole business and even created a learning opportunity.

What I’ve discovered is that yelling is always preceded by a trigger.  This isn’t to say that yelling is a natural and acceptable response to a stimulus.  But it is, simply, a response.  For each parent, the triggers may differ.  Here is a list of things that make me pop:

• Sibling rivalry – This very common blood-boiling occurrence raises my blood pressure.  Who wants to hear constant bickering?  Especially between two people you love.
• Schedules – management of, and lack of respect for them.  When I’m in a rush, and am stressed that no one but I am rallying, I lose my temper.
• Repetition – As I learned years ago from a wise dog trainer, “The command is ‘sit.’  It is not, ‘sit, sit, SIT, SIT!”  If I have to repeat a request, my voice rises in frustration.

There they are – the keys to pushing my buttons.  My children have possession of all of them.  But I’ve changed the locks by acknowledging these triggers, reframing my feelings, and practicing alternate responses.  Therein lies the secret to transforming oneself from a parent who yells to a parent with patience.

I chuckled when the aforementioned young mother observed me as ‘the type of person who doesn’t yell at her kids.’  Quite the contrary, I’m afraid.  I am the type – if there is such a thing.  I was raised in a boisterous Italian family where the only way to be heard around the dinner table during lively conversation was to raise your voice.  Yelling is a natural part of me.  But I’m also the type who is willing to explore a better means of communication and transform outdated habits.

So I say in support of all frustrated and guilt-ridden ‘yellers’ of the parenting world, take heart.  You’re only human.  You do the best you can.  And when your best falls short of admirable, waste no time criticizing yourself.   Instead, be an example of mature remorse – apologize sincerely!  Your children will appreciate that you, too, make mistakes; and they’ll learn how to atone for their own mistakes. 

Finally, ask for help from your children.  Respect their ability to understand your frustrations (when stated in a non-accusatory manner.)  Explain to them that you sometimes forget to speak appropriately when you’re angry and would benefit from some assistance.  My children give me a time-out signal when my voice starts to rise in volume.  I’ve given them permission to take charge without repercussion.  I’ve also asked them to say in a clear and confident tone, “Please lower your voice, Mom.  You’re being disrespectful.”

Engaging children in real-life scenarios like this gives them practice in dealing with relationships.  They will be confronted with anger in their lifetime – if not from you, then from others.  How wonderful that you’ve given them the experience to learn how to handle it.