I remember the day I felt grown up for the first time.  I was 8 years old, spending the summer at a beach house.  Older friends had decided to walk to the local ice cream store – one that I had never been to without my parents.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to join the group, but asked for permission anyway – children never give up hope, do they?  Shockingly, my mother said yes!  And not in that begrudging ‘you’ve worn me out’ tone.  “Sure,” she said, as easily as if I was asking permission to go to bed.  Afraid that she might reconsider if given too much time, I grabbed the money she offered and dashed out the door. 

In my mind, the ice cream shop was miles away.  In my mind, I was not with several older tweens and teens who were watching after me.  I was just one of the big kids without a parent.  Turstworthy and responsible.  Had my mother given me a run-down of safety rules and a list of warnings and what-ifs, I would have felt differently.  Her unnecesssary repetition of a script I knew well would have sabotaged my self-esteem.  Instead of trying to live up to the perceived trust she had in my maturity, I would have resented her condescension and adopted a careless bravado.  In other words, a lack of confidence on her part would have made me act more carelessly.

I don’t remember much from my eight year on earth.  But I clearly remember the very important day that I ‘finally’ grew up. 

Questions and Actions:

• What leap of faith could you take that would boost a child’s self-esteem?
• How do you unwittingly sabotage your child’s self-esteem by unconsciously repeating patterns and choices filled with limitation?
• When was the first time you felt grown up?  Have you thanked the person who trusted you?

“Mom, I NEED to talk to you.  I’m having friend problems.”

Oh-oh.  Here we go.  Entering into familiar tween territory.  My youngest daughter entered third grade this year with such a definitive shift in awareness, attitude, and emotion, that I’m considering nominating her for tween poster child.  It’s as if my daughter’s eyes have been dilated and suddenly she sees more than she can take in.  The world is different now.  It always had opinions of her, but now those opinions affect how she feels about herself.  Enter stage left: the daily friend crisis.

“Mary (not her real name) said that her shoes are in this year.  And I wanted her shoes sort of even though I like mine.  And then she said she didn’t like my snack because….and she’s always butting in with my friends and I used to be the funny one and now she is and I don’t know what to do and then…” At the end of this high-pitched, high energy rant, my daughter collapses in a heap at my feet.  I listen.  I feel.  I sigh. 

This game of musical friends is painful.  What was once a wide and accepting group of peers before tweenhood, now turns its natural course, dividing into distinct  factions – AKA the clique.  On this path we greet the practice of girl hate.  Jealousy at its best. 

There seems to be an unspoken code of competition between girls and women that states that there can be only ONE cool girl, ONE funny girl, ONE smart girl, etc. in a group of people.  We are conditioned to believe that other girls stand in the way of our being great.  It goes something like this: we notice a girl who we quickly assess to be potentially more awesome than ourselves.  She is prettier or skinnier or flirtier.  We panic on the inside and immediately try to find something – anything – that could be negative.  We search desperately for reassurance that we excel.  It’s as if our very survival depends on it.  ‘Wait, there it is.  I see a freckle in the wrong place.  Whew.  I’m safe.’

In the frenzy of insecurity, we fail to consider that this cycle of jealousy has nothing at all to do with other girls.  It has only to do with how we feel about ourselves. She did this and she has that because she is herself.  We are ourselves.  No two alike, thank goodness.    We are each responsible for doing ‘us’ in the best way we can.  If I’m over there trying to imitate her, who is over here being me? 

Not liking ourselves is where hating other people begins.  Which is just another reason why self-esteem stands on the podium of importance.  Self-esteem is where our power resides.  Before we can help tweens heal their relationships with others, we need to help them bolster their relationship with themselves. 

Fostering Self-Esteem in Young People

• Acknowledge feelings and listen without judging.
• Avoid criticizing the child’s need to fit in.  Help her to see how her uniqueness contributes to a group.
• Promote self-reliance and competence by celebrating achievements. Acknowledge hard work.
• Be a positive role model by practicing positive language.  Avoid criticism of self and others.

We may never succeed in eliminating the phenomena of girl culture.  But we can certainly succeed in boosting self-confidence and self-referral.  In doing so, we cure much more than friend trouble.

 Following is a guest post by Vanessa Van Petten, creator of RadicalParenting.com a parenting website written from the teen perspective to help parents understand them. She is also the author of the parenting book, “Do I Get My Allowance Before or After I’m Grounded?” (http://www.radicalparenting.com/books-and-products/book-youre-grounded/)

When I was 16 I thought it was my Dad’s goal in life to make me miserable. I was convinced that he had a running list of all the ways he could embarrass me in front of my friends, trick me into doing more chores or make my curfew earlier.

Our relationship would have continued to devolve until one day I saw my Dad reading a parenting book. I flipped through it while my Dad was in the bathroom and realized a lot of the things he did that drove me crazy he was getting right out of this book! I looked at the other parenting books on our shelves and realized that they were all written by adults. I wondered—has anyone ever asked teens to write to their parents?

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9a2jw-xhTg&feature=player_embedded

I decided to build a website where teens could answer questions and write to parents called RadicalParenting.com.  I couldn’t believe how quickly it grew and how happy both teens were to get their voices out and parents were to have a new outlet for connecting with their kids! We now have over 120 teen writers who give advice.

Teenagers, when given a neutral space LOVE talking to parents and often offer some of the best insight because they are going through it themselves. We have also be so excited to help parents who feel like they cannot reach their kids and teens.

I think teens and parents can work together to overcome their differences and learn to work best together. We have just come out with our book: Do I Get My Allowance Before or After I’m Grounded and it is a radical approach to parenting because it is written from the kid’s perspective! We would love for you to check it out—if you are brave enough to see what kids have to say!

What is this book about?

So, you have to forget the old parenting book approach – this book gives parents a totally new way to reach their teenagers because it’s the only book that tweens and teens helped write – so we are hearing first-hand advice that actually works! It gets right to the heart of the problems and offers straightforward prescriptive - and effective advice. This is a very different approach to parenting that tackles these modern problems.

What makes this book different?

Before now there has only been resources written from one side of the family equation….the adults. This is the first book that gets both sides talking. What’s more, the book goes a step further by using techniques that human lie-dectectors use: What does a teenager’s face look like when they are lying? What questions do parents need to ask to get the truth?
You are not a parent, what experience helps you write this book?
Actually me not being a parent is what makes teenagers feel comfortable opening up to me about what they really need from their parents. It allows me to be a translator for what parents need, what teens need and then bringing the two together so they can be on the same side.

You are not a doctor, what experience helps you write this book?

There are already amazing resources out there from doctors and psychologists, we take a very different approach to parenting. We believe that for most families there are really simple miscommunications happening that we just need to decode. With this book, I teach parents what kids really mean when they say, “I don’t care” or “Can I have a later curfew.” This is advice from teens in the trenches of family life.

Here is what Publisher’s Weekly had to say:

“Van Petten, founder of the popular Web site RadicalParenting.com, offers parents a candid view of the contemporary teen’s world in this eye-opening text. Van Petten uses actual stories about teens and their often anxious, angry, or befuddled parents to introduce each chapter. Pointing out that she is neither a parent nor a teen (nor a doctor, therapist, or counselor), the college-grad author has nevertheless earnestly investigated her subject and includes current research on teens as well as hundreds of “real quotes, interviews, e-mails and advice from actual teens.” Van Petten explores a variety of timely subjects, including peer relationships, teen/parent communication, bullying, technology, and “risky business” (smoking, drinking, sex, and more). Her outlook on technology and “Internet savvy” is particularly incisive, emphasizing not only the hazards of “time-suck” activities (i.e., Facebook, chatting on IM, and texting) but also the many social and academic benefits of the digital universe. Like a crafty spy, Van Petten comfortably segues from parent to teen perspective, and while noting that each adolescent is unique, she skillfully opens doors to the collective teen psyche. “

–Publishers Weekly

Vanessa Van Petten is one of the nation’s youngest experts, or ‘youthologists’ on parenting and adolescents. She now runs her popular parenting website, RadicalParenting.com, which she writes with 120 other teenage writers to answer questions from parents and adults. Her approach has been featured by CNN, Fox News, and Wall Street Journal. She was also on the Real Housewives of Orange County helping the housewives with troubled teens. Her next book, “Do I Get My Allowance Before or After I’m Grounded?” is being released in September 2011 with Plume Books of Penguin USA.

(http://www.radicalparenting.com/books-and-products/book-youre-grounded/)

“Who does the mirror say I am?  Could I be like someone who matters even for a moment?  Chasing beautiful.”

These words stopped me dead in my tracks when I first heard them sung by Heather Vassar.  In her song titled Chasing Beautiful Heather captures the desperation of a girl searching for her own beauty.  “Will someone love me?  Will someone save me?”  With beauty being ever-elusive, she proclaims that she is tired of running, tired of chasing.  Will she ever ‘catch’ beautiful?

What young girl doesn’t at some point doubt her worthiness, her beauty?  In the absence of confirmation, or in spite of it, she can’t help but doubt the world’s perception of her.  Why?  Because she doubts herself.  She looks in the mirror searching for beauty and instead finds self-criticism.  She is conditioned to find fault, programmed to desire perfection.

Until we see beauty within, we will fail to see it outside of ourselves.  The eyes cannot see what the heart has not perceived.  Now, the million dollar question – how do we learn to love ourselves?  We start by taming the beast within – the one we’ve allowed to run amuck.   We must silence the bully inside and give the cheerleader a microphone.

It sounds cliche to say that real beauty comes from within. But it couldn’t be more true.  When we value and accept ourselves, owning our unique contributions, we radiate confidence and beauty.  The beauty of a girl who is comfortable in her own skin is undeniable.

My teen daughter recently returned from Girls Leadership Institute camp.  This camp inspires girls to be true to themselves, awakening them to authentic leadership.  Upon my arrival to retrieve her from three weeks of fun inner strength training, my daughter proclaimed, “I feel so beautiful here.”  Tears of joy filled my eyes.  It took me many more than 14 years to feel beautiful.

It was through GLI that I found yet another way to spread feelings of beauty in the world.  The mission of Operation Beautiful is to post anonymous notes in public places for other women to find.  ‘Transforming how we see ourselves one post-it note at a time.’  Genius!  I was excited to get on board.  Here’s a note I posted at my health club:

Loving ourselves is a lifelong journey.  We don’t find self-love and stop living.  We press through challenges, sometimes losing sight of our beauty.  But what is once captured is easier to retrieve.  You know where it hides.  Stop chasing.  Stop judging.  Start loving.

p.s. You’re beautiful!

Questions and Actions:

• When you look in the mirror, what do you see?
• What is beautiful about you?
• How can you make someone else feel beautiful today?

A kind word can change a life. Even when it seems as if children aren’t listening, they do value your expertise and rely on your support.
One of the many priveleges I enjoy as a mother and an educator is the opportunity to impart wisdom to young people.  I’ve had a new opportunity to do that this month as my oldest daughter leaves for her first overnight camp.   Following is the letter I wrote to her:

My dearest daughter,

You are facing a new challenge.  It’s not your first challenge, but it is a big one.  You may get discouraged and even cry.  You may feel lonely or frustrated.  You may think you’re lost.  Remind yourself to look up.  See potential and hope in the unknown.   Command yourself to rise up and acknowledge your greatness.  And above all – love.  Love yourself, your life, your fears, your dreams – all of it.  And it will love you back.

As you venture off into the world without me, I’d like to send you with some wisdom that may help you negotiate your path with grace.

Life Tips from Mom:

1. Ask, “How Can I Help?”  Help as often as you can along the way.  Especially when you’re feeling down, make a point to help someone else who needs it.  It will perk you up. 

2. Respect diversity.  We all have different likes, dislikes, needs, habits, humor.  Respect it all.  Tolerate it.  No excuses to raise or lower yourself above or below anyone else.

3.  Share yourself with the world.  The world will respond to you in equal measure.  If you hold back your greatness, you will meet with resistance.  If you share your full beauty, beauty will be reflected back to you in your experiences.

4.  Be free.  Remember where you came from, but only to the extent that it helps you get where you want to go.  Don’t let your history hold you back.

5.  Choose happiness.  Don’t waste time mourning what you left behind.  Embrace what’s in front of you.  It’s always your choice.

I’m going to miss you like crazy!  But it will be good to miss each other.  Good exercise for the heart.  We humans have a huge range of emotions to play with.  If we only experienced the feel-good ones, we’d miss out on our full human experience.  It’s okay to be sad or lonely.  Tears cleanse the heart like a nice bath.  Whatever I feel, I promise to allow myself to feel fully.  I hope you will too. 

We will be together again soon.  Our relationship will be richer because of the separation.  We’ll have stories to share, hugs to catch up on, and a new appreciation for each other.   You are with me in my thoughts and in my heart.  I love you.

Mom

Questions and Actions:

• What advice do you have for a young person?  What is the most important thing you think your child should know about life?
• What do you miss most about your child when she’s gone?
• Write a love letter to your child.  Tell her what she means to you.