When my daughter was little and I was having a moment of frustration, she asked me candidly, “Mom, do you like being a Mother?  Because sometimes it seems like you don’t.”  I was crushed.  I’ve never forgotten her worried eyes staring up at me.

Motherhood can be draining.  It can be thankless and difficult and confusing.  But it’s still the best job I’ve ever had.  That message can get lost in the daily grind.  Children tend to globalize and take things at face value.  When we complain about a child forgetting her sports equipment – again – and have to turn around and retrieve it two towns away, she can easily conclude that we view her as an annoyance or even a failure.

It’s important to children, and to a parent, to reflect on the positive aspects of parenting.  Each Mother’s Day I write letters to my children thanking them for the opportunity to be their mother.  I tell them what I think is unique about them and how they add value to my life and to the family.  By then end of three letters, I’m usually crying. 

The rewards of parenting can be evasive when you’re in the thick of it.  But they are many.   I appreciate being a mother because:

• Mothering accentuates my strengths and weaknesses in a very clear way.  Every day I learn more about my self.
•  Mothering fills up my life, my heart, and my mind.
• Mothering teaches me patience.
• Mothering increases my capacity to love and to express that love in my life.
• Mothering expands my view of the world.  Children are the best teachers in the school of life.

There are two major shifts in perspective I experienced upon the birth of my first baby.  The first is that I suddenly felt complete – even though I didn’t feel like I was missing anything before.  The second is the astonishing awareness that comes with loving a little being more than you knew was possible.  I quickly realized that the immense love I now possessed for this child came with a level of potential pain and worry that was in direct proportion to the amount of love.  Becuase I loved her so much, I would experience her pain, quite possibly, more than she did.  A fair trade I suppose, but shocking nonetheless.

I’ve never met an elder who doesn’t reminisce about the parenting years as the ‘best years.’  Busy…tough…but still the best.  Despite the inevitable tears that arise, I listen to Trace Adkins’ song frequently to remind me, I am ‘gonna miss this’ time in my life.  Better enjoy it – the good, the bad, and the ugly – as they say.

Questions and Actions:

• How has parenting changed you?
• How can you express appreciation to your children?
• Write a list of 5 aspects of parenting that you appreciate and look at it when you’re having a tough day.

Be honest, did you read the title of this article and feel drawn to hear the dish?  Was there even a hint of interest in something that might surprise you, wow you, or horrify you?  If the answer is yes, you’re not alone.  People are drawn to gossip like mosquitoes to a lamp.  Similar to entranced insects, we should avoide the very thing that entices us.

Disturbingly, studies show that people are influneced by gossip even when it contradicts what they know to be true or have witnessed with their own eyes.  Gossip has strong manipulative potential.  It can even shape reputation. 

Recently I was in a small privately-owned shop when the proprietress received a call.  The excitement in her voice betrayed the personal nature of the call.  The woman, aware of my presence,  hurriedly spouted off some ‘teaser’ phrases as a fisherman casts off chum – just enough details to wet the appetite of the listener.  After hanging up she told me, “My sister lives far way.  I love when I have gossip to share with her.”  Apparently, gossip is a connecting force.

Our desire to gossip may derive from our need to belong.  Engaging in the exchange of information — gossip — can be evidence of membership in a group.  We may be led to believe that when someone shares gossip with us, we are trusted with sensitive information, thereby indicating a tighter bond between us.  But this theory could easily backfire.  An elderly woman living in a congregate living situation noted, “All they do is gossip here.  It makes me wonder what they say about me.” 

Families can be the worst offenders in the gossip chain.  I can remember my parents saying, “This doesn’t go outside this house.”  We feel safe in expressing our criticisms and judgments of others amongst family.  In doing so, we teach children the art of gossip and intolerance.  Example is the best teacher.

I tell young people, you can instantly know who you can’t trust by what secrets they tell you; if the secrets belong to someone else, they can’t be trusted.  If friends start sentences with, “Don’t tell anyone, but I heard…..”  or “Just between us….” your gossip alert should sound.  Run away.

Evidence can be found to support both positive and negative applications for gossip.  Some would argue that humanity wouldn’t survive without it  – that information we get from other people is actually fundamental to managing our relationships with each other.  Other sources advise fleeing from gossip as you would from danger.  I am inclined to favor Eleanor Roosevelt’s theory:

Great minds discuss ideas.

Average minds discuss events.

Small minds discuss people.

A person who has great ideas has plenty to talk about.  If you want to achieve greatness and be valued for your opinions, it makes sense to avoid talking about other people.  Unless, of course, you’re talking about their great ideas!

Questions and Actions:

• If you couldn’t talk about other people for an entire day, how much would you have to say?
• If you made it a policy to never gossip, how would your relationships change?
• Make a mental list of 5 subjects you can talk about with friends that do not involve gossip.
• Establish a NO GOSSIP policy in your house.  Agree that any family member can sound a ‘gossip alert’ on another family member.

If you’ve followed me long enough, you know that I’m no fan of ‘luck.’  (Click here for a previous post on the subject.) Luck, in the traditional sense of the word, is a disempowering concept.  However, this St. Patrick’s Day, I’ve decided to take the word less seriously and adopt a broader definition. 

Let’s agree for a moment that the word ‘luck’ is synonymous with gratitude.  We say to a  loved one, “I’m so lucky to have you in my life.”  Or to ourselves, “I’m so lucky I live in a free country.”  We may not actually believe that luck was the driving force, but still, we feel fortunate.  If we contemplate circumstances long enough, we can rationalize that everything in our lives required us to make a choice.  Even winning the lottery.  We had to choose to buy a ticket, pick the numbers, and pay the fee.

Some thoughts that have been fascinating me lately are ones that acknowledge how lucky I am for the things I don’t have.  When I consider all the events and challenges that could happen in a day but don’t, it immediately amps up my energy and appreciation.  For example, I could have gotten into a car accident on the way home; I could have become ill like many people I know, I could have had my cell phone stolen (perish the thought!)  If I run through enough of these worst-case scenarios, I start skipping through my day.  ‘Wow, am I lucky,’ I think. (aka grateful)

We all want things to turn out in our favor – on our terms.  We think we know what’s best for us.  Experience has proven that we often don’t.  Check out these lyrics by Darius Rucker in his song titled, This:

Maybe it didn’t turn out like I planned
Maybe thats why I’m such, such a lucky man
……
Thank God for all I missed
Cause it led me here to this
……
I didn’t understand it way back when
But sittin’ here right now
It all makes perfect sense

Forcing our lives to be a certain way could actually work against us.  The trick to letting life work for us is to know when to stop forcing it to happen.  You can’t push rope, they say. 

The first basic building block of self-esteem is safety.  A person must feel safe before they will accept challenges and build confidence.  We feel unsafe when we believe that life is out of our control.  Teaching children to appreciate what does and doesn’t show up in their lives can help them develop a lifelong attitude of resilience. 

• Teach them what experience has yet to prove to them:  that all is well no matter what. 
• Teach them that their lives are not at the mercy of luck. 
• And finally, that every challenge is a gift – even if it is disguised for years as a setback.

With any luck, we’ll raise a generation of young people who feel empowered by their lives instead of victimized.

Questions and Actions:

• What do you believe about luck?
• What are you grateful for today?
• Share an experience with your child about a time things didn’t turn out the way you planned, but did turn out for the best.

I remember a difficult time when nothing in my life seemed to be working smoothly. Discouraged and afraid, my thoughts were filled with negativity and my view of the world was dim.   I stared across my kitchen table thinking silently, ‘Flowers on the table would cheer me up.’ But that would be an indulgent expense that I couldn’t afford.

Luckily, I had a preschool aged daughter. Unaffected by the cares of the world, she was my ray of sunshine.  One day, she came to me with a gift – a craft she had made.  It was an empty tissue box decorated with hearts.  It had been made into a vase for pipe-cleaner flowers that she created.  She said, “Mommy, you can have flowers all the time.”  Instantly, my mood lifted. It occurred to me at that moment that nothing in my life mattered except the fact that I am loved. 

 Children have an extraordinary connection with the world.  They are so pure, receptive, and unaffected by limiting beliefs.  They perceive needs and fill them.  The love of a child softens the world.  

 Fast forward to this week.  My youngest daughter arrived home with a lollipop in hand.  Usually, she consumes this favored treat immediately.  Instead she asked me, “Mom, is it okay if I give this to my brother since he’s sick?”  Another heart-melting moment for Mom.  The next morning I told my daughter that I considered her a peacemaker and praised her for her unsolicited generosity and thoughtfulness.  After school her Dad asked her how her day was.  She replied, “It was good. REALLY good.  Because I’m a peacemaker.”

 And so the gift of love spreads.  We express it, we share it, and  inevitably it comes back to us.  It’s impossible to stop the flow of love.  This Valentine’s Day I invite you to love like a child – with pure intention and unbridled joy.

Questions and Actions:

• How would your life look if nothing mattered except love?
• What lessons on love can you learn from the children in your life?
• Today, love with simplicity and without expectations.