If you’ve followed me long enough, you know that I’m no fan of ‘luck.’  (Click here for a previous post on the subject.) Luck, in the traditional sense of the word, is a disempowering concept.  However, this St. Patrick’s Day, I’ve decided to take the word less seriously and adopt a broader definition. 

Let’s agree for a moment that the word ‘luck’ is synonymous with gratitude.  We say to a  loved one, “I’m so lucky to have you in my life.”  Or to ourselves, “I’m so lucky I live in a free country.”  We may not actually believe that luck was the driving force, but still, we feel fortunate.  If we contemplate circumstances long enough, we can rationalize that everything in our lives required us to make a choice.  Even winning the lottery.  We had to choose to buy a ticket, pick the numbers, and pay the fee.

Some thoughts that have been fascinating me lately are ones that acknowledge how lucky I am for the things I don’t have.  When I consider all the events and challenges that could happen in a day but don’t, it immediately amps up my energy and appreciation.  For example, I could have gotten into a car accident on the way home; I could have become ill like many people I know, I could have had my cell phone stolen (perish the thought!)  If I run through enough of these worst-case scenarios, I start skipping through my day.  ‘Wow, am I lucky,’ I think. (aka grateful)

We all want things to turn out in our favor – on our terms.  We think we know what’s best for us.  Experience has proven that we often don’t.  Check out these lyrics by Darius Rucker in his song titled, This:

Maybe it didn’t turn out like I planned
Maybe thats why I’m such, such a lucky man
……
Thank God for all I missed
Cause it led me here to this
……
I didn’t understand it way back when
But sittin’ here right now
It all makes perfect sense

Forcing our lives to be a certain way could actually work against us.  The trick to letting life work for us is to know when to stop forcing it to happen.  You can’t push rope, they say. 

The first basic building block of self-esteem is safety.  A person must feel safe before they will accept challenges and build confidence.  We feel unsafe when we believe that life is out of our control.  Teaching children to appreciate what does and doesn’t show up in their lives can help them develop a lifelong attitude of resilience. 

• Teach them what experience has yet to prove to them:  that all is well no matter what. 
• Teach them that their lives are not at the mercy of luck. 
• And finally, that every challenge is a gift – even if it is disguised for years as a setback.

With any luck, we’ll raise a generation of young people who feel empowered by their lives instead of victimized.

Questions and Actions:

• What do you believe about luck?
• What are you grateful for today?
• Share an experience with your child about a time things didn’t turn out the way you planned, but did turn out for the best.

I remember a difficult time when nothing in my life seemed to be working smoothly. Discouraged and afraid, my thoughts were filled with negativity and my view of the world was dim.   I stared across my kitchen table thinking silently, ‘Flowers on the table would cheer me up.’ But that would be an indulgent expense that I couldn’t afford.

Luckily, I had a preschool aged daughter. Unaffected by the cares of the world, she was my ray of sunshine.  One day, she came to me with a gift – a craft she had made.  It was an empty tissue box decorated with hearts.  It had been made into a vase for pipe-cleaner flowers that she created.  She said, “Mommy, you can have flowers all the time.”  Instantly, my mood lifted. It occurred to me at that moment that nothing in my life mattered except the fact that I am loved. 

 Children have an extraordinary connection with the world.  They are so pure, receptive, and unaffected by limiting beliefs.  They perceive needs and fill them.  The love of a child softens the world.  

 Fast forward to this week.  My youngest daughter arrived home with a lollipop in hand.  Usually, she consumes this favored treat immediately.  Instead she asked me, “Mom, is it okay if I give this to my brother since he’s sick?”  Another heart-melting moment for Mom.  The next morning I told my daughter that I considered her a peacemaker and praised her for her unsolicited generosity and thoughtfulness.  After school her Dad asked her how her day was.  She replied, “It was good. REALLY good.  Because I’m a peacemaker.”

 And so the gift of love spreads.  We express it, we share it, and  inevitably it comes back to us.  It’s impossible to stop the flow of love.  This Valentine’s Day I invite you to love like a child – with pure intention and unbridled joy.

Questions and Actions:

• How would your life look if nothing mattered except love?
• What lessons on love can you learn from the children in your life?
• Today, love with simplicity and without expectations.

I stare out at the third snow storm in a week and am humbled by the fact that there is no control over Mother Nature.  Tempted to throw negativity at the incovenience  created by New England winter weather, I remind myself that I actually choose to live here.  Putting up with storms is part of the contract in the Northeast.  As it is in parenting too.  Choosing to be a parent means accepting and tolerating the inevitable storms.

When my children were babies they would cry the most heartfelt little tears. But never without warning. The water works and screams were always preceeded by an adorable display of facial contortions.   We called them ‘storm clouds’.   I loved this analogy because it reminded me that, like a real storm, this too would pass.

I need to remind myself of that now that my babies are tweens and teens. Quelling the fury is more complicated at times but never impossible. The storm clouds – the moods, the wild ideas, the crises – eventually pass.  Letting oneself get embroiled in it or trying to avoid it is futile.  Perhaps I can apply some borrowed wisdom I’ve learned from hearty New Englanders about weathering the storms: buckle down, insulate, and conserve energy.

• Buckle Down: As the saying goes, prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and expect anything in between. Muster up some patience and ride out the storm.  It can’t last forever.
• Insulate: pull out every trick you have to insulate yourself against your child’s fury.  Count to 10, breathe, smile, reframe, or if all else fails, walk away.  Chances are, once a child dumps his mood in your lap, he will skip away refreshed.  The trick for you is to avoid absorbing your child’s trash.
• Conserve Energy:  You would not use all your resources in dealing with one storm lest you be wiped out for the next one.  Nor should you allow a child to sap the total of your emotional and physical energy during one of her crises.  Pace yourself for the long haul.

There is a sense of pride a New Englander has in his ability to tough-out a wicked winter.  Likewise, a parent may feel pride in his ability to survive parenting.  Neither is for the faint of heart.  Look toward the Spring for respite; despite our fears that it won’t, it does always return.  “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was going to end, it became a butterfly.”

Here’s a link to a blog (by Allyn Nevans) that exposes the spells that are cast upon us – the kind that make us feel bad about ourselves.  What spells are you under?

http://www.allynevans.blogspot.com/

It’s handy to have a 13 year old girl around.  No, I’m not being facetious.  This busy holiday season has opened my eyes to the benefits of having a teen in the family.  Among the perks I’ve recently enjoyed, my teen:

• Decorated the house with her siblings - including retrieving decorations from the basement.  Imagine my joy at coming home to find this mammoth job complete.
• Generated wish lists for younger siblings and sent an email attachment complete with links and price comparison. Score!
• Shopped with me to pick out stocking stuffers for younger siblings and for herself.  I realized how key this was when my daughter informed me that my own choices were ‘so last year.’
• Assisted with a cookie-decorating party for 10 seven-year old girls.
• Wrapped numerous gifts.

The best part is that my teen did all of this joyfully!  Children love to be helpful – as long as the job is fun.  Luckily, the jobs listed above – which can be monotonous and tiresome for adults – are fun for kids.  Searching the internet for toys, decorating, baking, shopping with someone else’s money….what’s not to love?

Giving kids the opportunity to contribute and showering them with appreciation boosts self-esteem.  Children, like adults, want to feel a sense of belonging.  They want to make a difference.  Sharing the list of holiday jobs with your child is a win-win.  Less work for you, more fun and personal growth for your child.

To optimize successful work-sharing:

• Expect and accept imperfection.   Jobs may not be done exactly the way you would do them, but they will have that special young flare.
• Invite, don’t delegate.  Cooperation comes more easily to those who have options.
• Be grateful.  Shower your elves with appreciation.  Positive reinforcement is a must.
• Learn from your child’s example.  Let yourself enjoy the holidays like you did when you were a child.  Instead of complaining about the stress and busyness, take a deep breath and belt out a Christmas song. 

Kids can get a bad rap at Christmas time.  Parents, fearing that their children are materialistic, lecture them about the ‘real meaning of Christmas.’  Often, it’s the parent who could use the reminder.  Let your children inspire you to embrace the carefree, joyful spirit of this holiday season. 

And what happened then…? Well…in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day!
And then the true meaning of Christmas came through,
And the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches… plus two.