I stare out at the third snow storm in a week and am humbled by the fact that there is no control over Mother Nature.  Tempted to throw negativity at the incovenience  created by New England winter weather, I remind myself that I actually choose to live here.  Putting up with storms is part of the contract in the Northeast.  As it is in parenting too.  Choosing to be a parent means accepting and tolerating the inevitable storms.

When my children were babies they would cry the most heartfelt little tears. But never without warning. The water works and screams were always preceeded by an adorable display of facial contortions.   We called them ‘storm clouds’.   I loved this analogy because it reminded me that, like a real storm, this too would pass.

I need to remind myself of that now that my babies are tweens and teens. Quelling the fury is more complicated at times but never impossible. The storm clouds – the moods, the wild ideas, the crises – eventually pass.  Letting oneself get embroiled in it or trying to avoid it is futile.  Perhaps I can apply some borrowed wisdom I’ve learned from hearty New Englanders about weathering the storms: buckle down, insulate, and conserve energy.

• Buckle Down: As the saying goes, prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and expect anything in between. Muster up some patience and ride out the storm.  It can’t last forever.
• Insulate: pull out every trick you have to insulate yourself against your child’s fury.  Count to 10, breathe, smile, reframe, or if all else fails, walk away.  Chances are, once a child dumps his mood in your lap, he will skip away refreshed.  The trick for you is to avoid absorbing your child’s trash.
• Conserve Energy:  You would not use all your resources in dealing with one storm lest you be wiped out for the next one.  Nor should you allow a child to sap the total of your emotional and physical energy during one of her crises.  Pace yourself for the long haul.

There is a sense of pride a New Englander has in his ability to tough-out a wicked winter.  Likewise, a parent may feel pride in his ability to survive parenting.  Neither is for the faint of heart.  Look toward the Spring for respite; despite our fears that it won’t, it does always return.  “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was going to end, it became a butterfly.”

Here’s a link to a blog (by Allyn Nevans) that exposes the spells that are cast upon us – the kind that make us feel bad about ourselves.  What spells are you under?

http://www.allynevans.blogspot.com/

It’s handy to have a 13 year old girl around.  No, I’m not being facetious.  This busy holiday season has opened my eyes to the benefits of having a teen in the family.  Among the perks I’ve recently enjoyed, my teen:

• Decorated the house with her siblings - including retrieving decorations from the basement.  Imagine my joy at coming home to find this mammoth job complete.
• Generated wish lists for younger siblings and sent an email attachment complete with links and price comparison. Score!
• Shopped with me to pick out stocking stuffers for younger siblings and for herself.  I realized how key this was when my daughter informed me that my own choices were ‘so last year.’
• Assisted with a cookie-decorating party for 10 seven-year old girls.
• Wrapped numerous gifts.

The best part is that my teen did all of this joyfully!  Children love to be helpful – as long as the job is fun.  Luckily, the jobs listed above – which can be monotonous and tiresome for adults – are fun for kids.  Searching the internet for toys, decorating, baking, shopping with someone else’s money….what’s not to love?

Giving kids the opportunity to contribute and showering them with appreciation boosts self-esteem.  Children, like adults, want to feel a sense of belonging.  They want to make a difference.  Sharing the list of holiday jobs with your child is a win-win.  Less work for you, more fun and personal growth for your child.

To optimize successful work-sharing:

• Expect and accept imperfection.   Jobs may not be done exactly the way you would do them, but they will have that special young flare.
• Invite, don’t delegate.  Cooperation comes more easily to those who have options.
• Be grateful.  Shower your elves with appreciation.  Positive reinforcement is a must.
• Learn from your child’s example.  Let yourself enjoy the holidays like you did when you were a child.  Instead of complaining about the stress and busyness, take a deep breath and belt out a Christmas song. 

Kids can get a bad rap at Christmas time.  Parents, fearing that their children are materialistic, lecture them about the ‘real meaning of Christmas.’  Often, it’s the parent who could use the reminder.  Let your children inspire you to embrace the carefree, joyful spirit of this holiday season. 

And what happened then…? Well…in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day!
And then the true meaning of Christmas came through,
And the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches… plus two.

An easy practice you can incorporate into your home is the Gratitude Bowl.  Place a large bowl on the center of your dining table.  In the bowl, or beside it, place another bowl containing blank strips of paper.  (I like to use colorful construction paper.)   Each day encourage family members  to record gratitudes and place them into the bowl.  As the bowl fills up, it will symbolize how abundant you are. 

Masters of gratitude will tell you that every-thing is a gift and that for everything we must be grateful.  We can all think of a time when we thought we were out of luck, only to find that something better was waiting for us around the corner.  I was very grumpy about waiting for an appointment much past my scheduled time, until…an old friend appeared for her appointment and we got to catch up.  Had my appointment been on time, I would have been gone when she arrived. 

• What is the smallest thing you can be grateful for?
• Recall a time when an unfortunate event turned out for the better
• Be grateful for every thing that does and doesn’t show up today

It started with a simple matching game.  My four year old daughter and I sat together in a pile of clean laundry on the bed.  “Let’s see who can find the most pair of socks that match.”  A chore turned into play.  Matching socks progressed to folding washcloths then to putting clothes in drawers and eventually (years later) to managing the washing, drying, and folding of an entire load of laundry.  By the age of 11 my children became self-sufficient in the clothing department.

Many evenings I’ve been asked to transfer wet laundry to the dryer before bed because a son or daughter waited until the last desperate minute to take care of business.  Sometimes I forget.  Boy, those jeans feel miserable when they’re damp.

“Wow, tough love!” I’ve been told – on more than one occasion.  To which I assuredly reply, “You bet!” 

I used to resent my own mother once upon a time for ‘making’ me do my own laundry, prepare my lunches, and arrange my doctor’s appointments.  My hard feelings faded when I got to college and realized how paralyzed many of my friends were in the self-care department.  I was embarrassed for them – not because they couldn’t learn what they needed to survive, but because they had let themselves be dependent to the ripe old age of 18.   One friend actually made a trip home (2 hours) to refill her supply of feminine products because she “could never buy them” herself!  Are you kidding?

Thus, I’ve grown fond of the practice that people refer to as ‘tough love.’ But I’d prefer if the name more positively reflected its benefits.  May I suggest, ‘responsible love’? 

I love the idea that a parent’s job is to put herself out of a job.  Teaching self-sufficiency is one of the most important gifts we can bestow on children.  Feeling capable – as opposed to helpless – boosts self-esteem. Every task that we can hand over to a child in preparation for her eventual independence builds confidence and adds to her repetoire of abilities.

Providing achievable responsibilities for a child has many benefits:

• Builds confidence and self-esteem
• Creates a sense of self-worth and purpose
• Instills a feeling of belonging to a larger group
• Prepares a child with essential life skills
• Teaches the value of self-sufficiency
• Introduces a family work ethic

“I know, but it’s easier to do it myself.”  Yes, it is.  But who said effective parenting was easy?  Enduring complaints, mistakes, and jobs half-done is part of the process.  Wouldn’t you rather have your child learn to budget his time and manage chores as a child than watch him struggle as an adult?

Here are some responsibilities that even small children can manage:

• preparing lunch or snack
• making beds
• house cleaning – even bathrooms!
• laundry
• yard work
• dog walking
• feeding pets
• watering plants
• table setting/clearing

Now stop hogging all those chores for yourself!  Share with your children.  They’ll thank you later.  Much later.