An easy practice you can incorporate into your home is the Gratitude Bowl.  Place a large bowl on the center of your dining table.  In the bowl, or beside it, place another bowl containing blank strips of paper.  (I like to use colorful construction paper.)   Each day encourage family members  to record gratitudes and place them into the bowl.  As the bowl fills up, it will symbolize how abundant you are. 

Masters of gratitude will tell you that every-thing is a gift and that for everything we must be grateful.  We can all think of a time when we thought we were out of luck, only to find that something better was waiting for us around the corner.  I was very grumpy about waiting for an appointment much past my scheduled time, until…an old friend appeared for her appointment and we got to catch up.  Had my appointment been on time, I would have been gone when she arrived. 

• What is the smallest thing you can be grateful for?
• Recall a time when an unfortunate event turned out for the better
• Be grateful for every thing that does and doesn’t show up today

It started with a simple matching game.  My four year old daughter and I sat together in a pile of clean laundry on the bed.  “Let’s see who can find the most pair of socks that match.”  A chore turned into play.  Matching socks progressed to folding washcloths then to putting clothes in drawers and eventually (years later) to managing the washing, drying, and folding of an entire load of laundry.  By the age of 11 my children became self-sufficient in the clothing department.

Many evenings I’ve been asked to transfer wet laundry to the dryer before bed because a son or daughter waited until the last desperate minute to take care of business.  Sometimes I forget.  Boy, those jeans feel miserable when they’re damp.

“Wow, tough love!” I’ve been told – on more than one occasion.  To which I assuredly reply, “You bet!” 

I used to resent my own mother once upon a time for ‘making’ me do my own laundry, prepare my lunches, and arrange my doctor’s appointments.  My hard feelings faded when I got to college and realized how paralyzed many of my friends were in the self-care department.  I was embarrassed for them – not because they couldn’t learn what they needed to survive, but because they had let themselves be dependent to the ripe old age of 18.   One friend actually made a trip home (2 hours) to refill her supply of feminine products because she “could never buy them” herself!  Are you kidding?

Thus, I’ve grown fond of the practice that people refer to as ‘tough love.’ But I’d prefer if the name more positively reflected its benefits.  May I suggest, ‘responsible love’? 

I love the idea that a parent’s job is to put herself out of a job.  Teaching self-sufficiency is one of the most important gifts we can bestow on children.  Feeling capable – as opposed to helpless – boosts self-esteem. Every task that we can hand over to a child in preparation for her eventual independence builds confidence and adds to her repetoire of abilities.

Providing achievable responsibilities for a child has many benefits:

• Builds confidence and self-esteem
• Creates a sense of self-worth and purpose
• Instills a feeling of belonging to a larger group
• Prepares a child with essential life skills
• Teaches the value of self-sufficiency
• Introduces a family work ethic

“I know, but it’s easier to do it myself.”  Yes, it is.  But who said effective parenting was easy?  Enduring complaints, mistakes, and jobs half-done is part of the process.  Wouldn’t you rather have your child learn to budget his time and manage chores as a child than watch him struggle as an adult?

Here are some responsibilities that even small children can manage:

• preparing lunch or snack
• making beds
• house cleaning – even bathrooms!
• laundry
• yard work
• dog walking
• feeding pets
• watering plants
• table setting/clearing

Now stop hogging all those chores for yourself!  Share with your children.  They’ll thank you later.  Much later.

How often do we, parents and teachers, lose patience with the process?  When challenges arise, do we lose faith that given the time, the tools, and the support, a child – any child – will find her chosen medium and bring her art, her life, to fullness. 

It’s easy to mistake ourselves for sculptors who need to form children like lumps of clay.  We want the edges to be smooth and perfect. And we tend to assume excess responsibility for how a child – our work of art – will turn out.   It’s easy to take over with a thoughtless, “Here, let me show you how it’s done.” And equally challenging to step away from a child’s canvas, letting her explore for herself.  When we do manage to honor the process, we witness the most astounding revelations. 

Ask yourself, are you trying to paint the picture of a child’s life for her?  Are you a know-it-all art teacher or a studio assistant who simply provides the materials and marvels at her creation? It seems a worthwhile effort to instill faith and confidence in our young artists.  To give them hope that although the portrait may yet be fuzzy and maybe even unsatisfying, it is, none-the-less, priceless.

Anyone who manages a small country called ‘Family’ is familiar with  the mayhem that accompanies the start of a new school year.  The work involved in this transition can drain an entire summer’s worth of relaxation in a single week.  Which is why I find myself holding onto a clear shedule and summer weather with all my strength – as if it will make a difference.  In reality, my resistance just makes it harder.

Ah, transitions.  It wasn’t until I identified my son’s difficulty with them that I realized which tree this apple fell from.  More than once I’ve been accused of lingering too long in the shower or stalling on the way out the door.  Even daily transitions can be chanllenging.

I ponder the subject as I cheer on my husband – a triathlete – at an event this past weekend.  I am staged near the ‘transition area’ where swimmers become cyclists and cyclists become runners and caterpillars become butterflies.  Ok, not the butterfly part, but truly, the transformation is just as amazing to behold.  Some athletes have what are called ‘strippers’ – people to help strip off a wet suit in nanoseconds.  My husband’s explanation for the necessity of this practice – “Transition time is critical to the overall race.  The idea is to spend as little time as possible there.  You’re in.  You’re out.”  Words of wisdom applicable to many experiences in life.

From my experience as a birth doula and from my own childbirths, I can tell you that the transition phase of labor is the most intense.  Definately a place you want to spend little time in.  However, it’s been said that the birth process can stall when fear holds one back from moving on.   On many levels, the ease with which we handle the transitions in our lives affects our overall contentedness, emotional well-being, and physical health.  So it seems a worthwhile practice to improve upon our ability to forge ahead when we’d rather stay put.

Change doesn’t have to be something to dread.  Through all the seasons of life, it is our attitude that determines whether we see transitions as positive or negative.  Take for example two friends who each sent their youngest child off to kindergarten this year.  One friend sent me an email with a tale so mournful you would think she had sent her 5-year old off to college for the year.  The other friend was quite elated and worried only that the bus drvier may have seen her dance a jig as her daughter boarded the bus.  Which friend slept better that night?  Which child is likely to be more at ease with change?

In addition to being a role model of coping with change,you can help a child who has difficulty transitioning:

• Point out positive outcomes for child to look forward to following the transition.
• Explain what’s happening before embarking on the day.  Acceptance increases with foresight.
• Avoid abrupt changes in activity or plans.  Give a warning in advance.  Keep a child informed.
• Commiserate – “I’m disappointed too that we have to leave early.  I wish we could stay all day.  I’m so glad we got to go for a little while.”

Make an effort to stop fearing change, learn to expect it, welcome it, and sometimes even initiate it.  As Dr. Seuss says, “Don’t cry because it’s over.  Smile because it happened.”

Questions and Actions:

• What transitions do you struggle with?  How can you change your thinking or behavior to ease the process?
• What do you model for your children as you cope with change?
• Through an upcoming transition commit to leaving the past behind you and embrace the unknown future with optimism.